Friday, February 11, 2011

Time for Transition

I am not a completely open book for all to read here on my blog.  Most of the time I just put the happy, fun, funny or family related things on here.

Truth is I build walls.  Fast.  And they are usually very strong and hard to break down. 

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And I have been building a lot of them lately.  As my self defense.  So I don't hurt.  Or so I can't be hurt as bad.  So that I am strong.  So when something or someone hits me (figuratively) - the wall takes the blow.  It may crumble a bit.  But, not my heart.  Not my soul.  Not my being.  Even though I am still trying to figure out WHO that being is.  And where I belong.

I have always been very protective of myself.  Of my feelings.  I am even protective of my family and my friends.  No one likes their feelings hurt.  But, it happens.  And it happens when people don't even mean to do it.  So, I just like to stay prepared.  So I build tall, strong walls. 

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Perhaps the above quote is true.  Time will tell. 

I have been vague in my personal relationship with the man I have loved since 1995.  Because this is not his blog, not our blog, he did not ask to be a part of it, so out of respect, I kept his appearances to a minimum. 

But, today I get honest.  Today I put it out there.  No turning back once this is posted.  Once it is written.  It is what it is.  This is my blog and I am choosing to write about my feelings today.  They just so happen to be tied to him. 

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 Together we have been through hell and back.  And God blessed us with a beautiful baby girl in 2007.  I will always love him for helping me bring that blessing to me.  Always.  What a gift!?  My love for him will always be here.  Within me.  Hidden behind those tall, tough walls I constructed. 

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We always had a great friendship, relationship, companionship and commitment.  We always made eachother laugh.  It worked for us.  For a long time, I might add.  Remember I said 1995.  But, lately, things just are NOT working.  Not clicking.  It's more like clashing!  On an all too often basis.  It has turned unhealthy.  For all involved. 

And I will not let Layla believe and see that conflict is an acceptable way of life.  Even though conflict is very much apart of our everyday world.  Here and abroad.  But, it it does not belong in a loving home environment.  I also understand and agree that disagreeing and having arguments is a healthy part of life.  If done fairly.  But, enough is enough.  I can't REFUSE to live this way any longer. 

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Believe me....I have tried.  Hard.  So so very hard.  For probably much too long.  So, when I say lately...it really is more like years.  I don't give up easily.  I have fought and fought.  For us.  For him.  For our lil family.  But, I have done all my spirit will allow me to spare....

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So now is the time.  I am reclaiming my happy spirit.  My complete and whole happy spirit....

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 ....now I am ready.....it is time for transition. 

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Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.

~ Joseph Campbell

4 comments:

Ashley said...

I'm happy to hear you are trying to seperate yourself from a hurtful situation. I can very much so relate for years worth of an off and on relationship. Its hard. You have been truly blessed with a beautiful girl. Sometimes the more we try to make things happen the more the odds are against us. Ya just gotta let things happen on their own and know the best is yet to come.

bananas. said...

you do you girl...do you.

i've been in a similar situation before and when you know you've done everything you could and you know in your heart there's nothing left for you to do, give, fight for, etc. then it's time to move on...even if it hurts at first.

just do you.

hugs...xoxo.

Tiffany said...

You gots to do what you gots to do. Only you two know what works for your family and what the right thing to do is. I'll keep all involved in my thoughts as you guys transition and move forward. Good luck, chica.

Melissa said...

Change is scary sometimes difficult but in the end, change is a breath of fresh air always making me wonder, why hadn't I done this sooner? Weird I know.

You're in my thought my dear. and you're a fighter, a good Momma and a strong spirit. Go.Melissa.

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