so bad I can't even publish them here

I just thought my dreams were starting to "taper off" in the brutal, hostile, violent area...but I was wrong.  They were more distrurbing this weekend than they ever have been.  And that alone is disgusting. 

They are so upsetting I cannot and will not subject you to anymore.  I just save a draft.  And will never hit publish.  And I don't need to since they replay over and over in my waking mind. 

Although I won't say what it is I have drempt, some meaning, according to dreammoods.com:

*represents your raw emotions or immoral behaviors.

*indicate anger and aggression directed at you or someone else.

*symbolizes your passive and docile nature. You obey others without question. Alternatively, it represents maternal instincts or the desire to be cared for.

*suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You feel victimized in a situation or that you are being targeted.

I promise people...I could NOT make this stuff up if I tried.  And trust - I am surely not trying. 

I use to love to dream.  Now I hate it.  And I teach my daughter not to hate anything.  I need relief. 

And I suppose these are called nightmares, not dreams. 

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On a brighter note, I will be getting that MRI that I need so desperately.  Waiting for the center to call for scheduling now...

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God knows I am trying....

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I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?

~ John Lennon



Quotography - Wildlife with Layla Bug

To end this week on a brighter note...I turn to Layla. 

My shining star when the world is dim.  My beacon of hope when all seems lost.  My sweetness when all seems sour. 

If you have been reading here for a while, then you know the connection that my Layla bug has with Lady Bugs.  If not, and you so wish, you can read about some of it here. 

Basically, girlfriend finds one everywhere she goes!  Seriously.  One even landed on her head in the middle of a swimming pool this past summer.  It's awesome. 

So of course while we were putting up her trampoline and swing set she got for Christmas this past weekend, she found one in our backyard.  But of course! 

Happy weekend ya'll!

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attitude is everything

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My mom always said, "attitude is everything."  Or, "Life's not fair."  And guess what? 

She was right.  Again.

That is what I am trying to focus on right now.  Keeping my attitude in check.  Because one of my all time favorite sayings, that I probably most definitely use too often is...

IT IS WHAT IT IS. 

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So I am just gonna keep my head held high.  And push through this.

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I planned to succeed.  For the record.  {and check out more kushandwizdom.tumblr}

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One can only hope!  And what I have learned....it CAN always be worse.

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WORD!  Thanks for being here.

And tell me...what is your favorite saying?  Or life lesson, cliche or not, that seems to hold true?

because it's what I do...

I dream.  It's what I do.  At least it is what I do now.  Every night.  And I tell you again...I do not like it.  I need rest.  But to help myself try and heal....I interpret my dreams!  Here's what been in my mind...and waking me throughout the nights. 

* painting a mural:

To dream that you are painting a picture indicates that you need to express your creative side more.  {I think that is my subconscience telling me to start painting again.} 

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*wolves:

To see a wolf in your dream symbolizes survival, beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social circumstances and blend into any situation with ease and grace.  {I'd like to think so.}  You are also a loner by choice.  {who told?}  Negatively, the wolf represents hostility, aggression, or sneakiness.  It may reflect an uncontrollable situation or an all-consuming force in your life.  {thank you, dear dream mood therapist.}  This could point to an obsession, an addiction or something that is beyond your control.

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*car wreck:

To see a wreck in your dream represents obstacles and barriers toward your goals.  {mm-hm.  keep talking.}  You feel that you are being held back or that you are not making any progress.  {just a touch}

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*naked:

To dream that you are naked denotes fear of being found out and exposed over your activities. You feel that you are being misjudged.  {dang, best damn therapist I have never had!}  To dream that you suddenly discover your nudity and are trying to cover up signifies your vulnerability to a situation.  {yeppers.}

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*running away:
 
To dream that you are a runaway indicates that you are struggling with issues of belonging and acceptance. Alternatively, the dream means that you are refusing to confront some issue or situation.

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*fishing:
 
To dream that you are fishing indicates that you are confronting and bringing your repressed emotions to the surface.  To see a fishing rod in your dream represents your quest and exploration of your unconscious mind.  {no shit!?!  when will this stop?}  You are ready to confront issues and emotions which you have suppressed.

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*corpse in water:

To see a corpse in your dream represents an aspect of yourself that has died. Or it may mean that you are unexpressive. You have shut yourself down and are dead inside.  {well damn!  sh*t.  fukk.} 

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*breaking walls:

To dream that you demolish or break down a wall indicates that you are breaking through obstacles and overcoming your limitations.  {perhaps there is light at the end of this...}  It also means that you desire some freedom and independence.

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Sorry for all the debbie downer sh*t.  Try living in my dreams for one night...let alone every night!!!  I'm spent!  And since I do not have the money for a therapist....I rely on my dreams to give me insight....and dreammoods.com to try and define what my dreams are telling me.  I get it if you don't wanna stick around.  Hell, I'd hit the road if I could...

sing to me

The storms are raging in the rolling sea

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And on the highway of regret

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The winds of change are blowing wild and free

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You ain't seen nothing like me yet

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~ Make You Feel My Love, by Adele

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Manic Monday - 01.23.12

Being brave is not the absence of fear but rather the strength to keep on going forward despite the fear.

~ Paulo Coelho

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my dream journal...

I hate to keep filling up my blog with ALL THING DREAMS....but sorry.  This is alot of what my life is consisting of, and I HAVE to figure all of this out.  And probably see a doctor.  And a neurologist.  And a psychiatrist.  But that's besides the point!  :)  I've decided to keep a dream journal. 

Again, I mention, I was in a very violent car accident in November 2011 {never mind the one that broken my ankle in July 2011} and hit my head very hard.  I have had migraine headaches since then...and I am currently waiting on an MRI. 

Last night my dream included:

*Fire:

Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, purification, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing.  {that is true!} To dream that a house is on fire indicates that you need to undergo some transformation. {true dat!}  To dream that you put out a fire signifies that you will overcome your obstacles in your life through much work and effort. {hard work is what I do best!} To see something burning in your dream indicates that you are experiencing some intense emotions.  {ya think?} There is some situation or issue that you can no longer avoid and ignore. Alternatively, it may suggest that you need to take time off for yourself and relax.  {no question about that!  I need real, relaxing rest and sleep!  I am exhausted.} 

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*Horse back riding:

To dream that go horseback riding indicates that you are in a high position or in a position of power. {bwahahahah!!!!} You have confidence in your ability. Alternatively, the dream represents your lack of integrity.  {yeah, wow, thanks!}  You will achieve success through underhanded means. If you are riding a horse that is out of control, then it means that you are being carried away by your passions.

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*Racism:
To experience racism in your dream indicates that you may be too judgmental and discriminatory in some situation in your waking life. {yeah, towards myself.}

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*Family:

To see your own family in your dream represents security, warmth and love. Consider also the significance of a particular family member or the relationship you have with them.  {she is dead.  and I dreampt of her death.} 


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Honestly, I wish these dreams would stop.  I am so worn down.  Exhausted is an understatement.  The details I recall...and can easily recall weeks later....it's ridiculous. 

Has anyone experienced something like this after a head injury?  It's killing my spirit!!!!

Quotography - Winter {in Texas}

...more dreams! ...and more...and more...and more!

Ya'll I am NOT kidding when I tell you my dreams are outta control!  I remember EVERY dream...and I am now dreaming EVERY night.  If I was before, I didn't remember them.  And even though I wake up...and stay up for quite a while every night...a couple times a night...I close my eyes and pick up right where I left off.  It's insanity.

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My head took a pretty hard impact in late November of 2011...and ever since...DREAMS, dreams....everywhere are DREAMS!  At the beginning, I had some hardcore upsetting, violent dreams.  Luckily the intensity of those have seemed to diminish some.  But, here are some of my latest. 

*Bell Peppers:

To see or eat a bell pepper in your dream represents your tenacity, your defense mechanism and your ability to put up a fight. {oh yeah buddy!}  In general, it is a positive symbol {yessss!!!! :)} indicating a change for the better.  {finally!}  Consider the color of the bell pepper. If it is green, then it suggests that you are still feeling fresh and energetic about your fight.  {yep, it's fresh}  If it is red, then it indicates that there is anger behind your wall of defense.  {you betcha!}  If the bell pepper is yellow, then it means that you are using your energy wisely.  {good...it was a garden of all three! row after row after row}

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*Old friends:
 
To see your childhood friend in your dream signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities. Things were much simpler and carefree.  {ahhh yes!  I do miss those times.}  You may be wanting to escape the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned. Alternatively, the childhood friend suggests that you have been acting in a childish manner. {hmpft!}  You need to start acting like an adult.  {okaaaay!  point taken.} 

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*Bicycle:

To dream that you are riding a bicycle signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, {ah, yeah I did!}  then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own. {alright then!  dreammoods.com is my therapist now.}

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*Flies:

To see flies in your dream symbolize filth and dirtiness, either physical or emotional. It indicates feelings of guilt or a breakdown of a plan. Flies may also forewarn of a contagious sickness. Alternatively, the fly could represent an irritating and annoying person in your life. Perhaps someone does not know how to mind their business.  {ha!  truth.}

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*Needles:


To see or use a needle in your dream indicates that you need to mend some relationship or situation that has gotten out of hand. A needle is also symbolic of some emotional or physical pain. {yep, both!}

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Weird.  But so am I!
 

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THIS is MY hometown....San Antonio, Texas celebrates MLK, Jr. Day

San Antonio, Texas is proud to continue to host One of The Country's Largest MLK March Celebrations.  This year marked the 25th year....and who better to be the keynote speakers?  Martin Luther King III, the oldest child of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Coretta Scott King. 



Makes me proud to call San Antonio MY hometown.  And I hope it helps breakdown the stereotypes of my beloved state of Texas.  Knowledge is power.

Please take a moment and read this short blog post. 

I've been tagged...so now I am tagging YOU!

Miss Ashley of Episodes of a Mixed Girl "Tag You're It'd Me"....so here we are!

First - The rules to this tagging thing....

1. You must post these rules.

2. Each person must post 11 things about themselves on their blog.

3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.

4. You have to choose 11 people to tag and link them on the post.

5. Go to their page and tell them you have linked him or her.

Easy enough, riiiiight!  Yes.  Yes it is.  So Miss Ashley, had these inquiries....


1. What was the last thing you bought?  a Mexican food lunch!  Makes me a very happy lady!

2. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?  Ouch!  I hurt.  And damn!  My dreams leave me ex.hausted!!!!

3. What did you do for your last birthday?  Went out for my fav, margaritas and a dinner at Pappadeaux's.

4. What was the last thing you ate?  See question # 1 answer. 

5. If you had to choose between Facebook and Blogger? Which one?  This is easy - BLOGGER!

6. Name three things that make you happy.  My daughter, Layla.  My friends.  And xanax.  :)  kidding, but not really.  It helps my sanity...and being sane makes me happy too! 

7. What is one of your resolutions for 2012?  I don't make resolutions...but I pick words.  And my word for 2012 is....DRIVE!!!!  I have a lot of things I need to will up the DRIVE to complete in bounding success this year!

8. What would you do if you were given one million dollars?  Pay off debt and definitely take a vacation near crystal blue waters!  Bali, anyone?  Upgrade to a nicer home.  And car, of course. 

9. What would be your theme song when walking into a room?  Hmmm....hard one.  Albiet, a good one.  I'm Sexy and I Know It, LMFAO!?  Ha....such a joke. 

10. What is something you wish you could change?  A huge failure on my part in November 2011. 

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11. What is your favorite television show?  Another hard one because the Disney channel stays on constantly around my house.  But, I do love watching Fear Factor with my babe.  I wonder if I could FACE FEAR IN THE EYE?

And here are my 11 questions I would like answered. 

1.  What is your go-to piece of clothing?

2.  If you could only pick ONE WORD for the year of 2012....what would it be?

3.  What ONE WORD best describes YOU?

4.  What is your signature scent?  Be it perfume...candle scent...whatever!

5.  After a long, hard day....what do you enjoy most?

6.  What is your biggest pet peeve?

7.  Do you live in the state you were born in?  If not, where where you born and where do you live now?

8.  Have you ever travelled outside of the country?  If so, please do share!

9.  Do you speak more than one language?  If so, please do share!

10.  What is one blog that you sooooo look forward to visiting daily?  Please do share!  :)

11.  Do you get annoyed at being tagged in blogger games?

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And here are my peeps I would like to answer my questions!

1.  Mayra at life is bananas.

2.  KLaw at First Name Smith

3.  Summer at Summer's Story

4.  Trina at the Baby Shopaholic

5.  Jennifer at Baby Makin(g) Machine

6.  Claire at Bicoastally

7.  Laura at twirl {lbr}

8.  Lindsay at Undomestic Chica

9.  The drollgirl behind drollgirl

10. Georgia at Going Glam with GiGi

11.  Taylor at Taylor Morgan Design

{love these ladies!!!}

and now The Globes!

The Golden Globes, that is!  And fashion...that's what it is really about riiight!?  Right!

Up first, my absolute favorite....Ms. Kate Beckinsale!  Isn't she divine!?!  So fabulous. 

And although I thought Ms. Jessica Alba looked waaaaay.tooooo. fake tanned...I did love that dress!  What's wrong with fair skin?  I'd like to know!

I thought Claire Daines looked modern and edgy, but the back of the dress was gorg!!!

L.O.V.E.!!!

Tina Fey's dress was uber cool.  In my opinion, it looked as if she felt awkward though.  Do you agree?

And I could not find a great picture of Felicity Huffman....but her dress was ah-mazing as well.  Work it!

{sorry for the weird facial expression, Ms. Huffman!  It's all I could find.}

Now you KNOW I could not post on Miss Angie baby without including hunka-hunka hubby!  Gosh, he looks great.  Her dress, lips, accessories are all fantastic....but I wanna eat a cheeseburger FOR HER!  I mean, her shoulder bone is protruding for heaven sake!!!! Icky. 

And now for a few stand outs of the evening...litterally!  Maria Menounos!  Bow chicka bow wow.  Hotness.  And HELLO yellow!

She wore it better than Paula Patton....but I still liked that stand out quality on her too. 

AND NOW....

WOW!!!!

Dame Helen Mirren KNOWS fashion.  Either that or she has a great fantabulous stylist!  Either way...lady knows how to rock it.  She knocked all of the, ahem, older actresses outta the water.  I mean....come on!  Absolutely stunning!

p.s. Madonna's acceptance speech was aw-kward times a billion.  Anyone else agree!?  Plus, did you hear all the cattiness between her and Sir Elton?!  They both need to get ov-ah themselves.